The Lousy Story of Cinderella
by Kisa Touya
Summary: The Cinderella fairytale in Holden Caulfield's voice. Rated T for swearing.


Hey guys, this was an English assignment to write a fairytale in Holden Caulfield's voice (The Catcher in the Rye). Please have a good laugh! Please ignore the mistakes. P.S. I don't really curse, it just sounds really good.

The Lousy Story of Cinderella

Once upon a goddam time...you know what, screw that crap! Let's just get to the point. There's this family of phonies and their goddam moron of a maid who doesn't know hot to even scrub a floor. I mean, who spends one hour on the same spot, the moron. Anyways, the stepmother and stepsisters were mean to her and all. But if you ask me, she deserved it for being stupid as hell. You'd think a grown moron like here would know what the hell she's doing with her goddam life. But no, no she doesn't and that kills me.

So one day, the big shot suave prince's henchmen or something knocks on the door to deliver an invitation to the royal dance, ball, whatever you call it. And of course Cinderella's stepsisters _had_ to freak out like they always do around those phonies. Always. Then Cinderella, the stupid maid, wanted to go too and whaddayaknow, she's not allowed to. I mean, who's dumb enough to let a maid prettier than you meet the love of your life? Wait, never mind. Love my ass. All they want to get to is the necking and all that sexy stuff. Don't even talk about the money. It's the money again, you don't have the dough you have nothing. God, that makes me blue as hell.

Back to Cinderella, she got sore and cried and cried because she couldn't go to the goddam ball and her stepfamily could. Seriously, what the hell, you don't even know the guy and you're crying because you can't meet him. If I was there, I'd laugh like a madman.

But then there's this fairy godmother person or something and she does this bippity-boppity-boo stuff and voila, Cinderella is in a goddam dress. And then like the stupid phony she is, she says, "Oh, how am I supposed to get there without a golden-lined carriage? Oh, poor me!" Ha, she's so selfish and stupid it makes me wonder why the hell the godmother is even helping her. That absolutely kills me. Really, it does. Of course the fairy does that bippity thing again and a pumpkin turns into a carriage. A pumpkin. Yeah, I know, a pumpkin. For chrissake, you'd think a fairy would be more original than that. It's so corny it makes me wanna puke. Actually, I'm dry heaving right now. Swell.

Anyways, the three little mice come walking by and the sonuvabitches get turned into Cinderella's handmen! Can you believe it? Just because this damn moron of a princess wants to go to some crumby dance, the little mice have to lead her around. That knocked me out cold. Boy, these things really ruin a story for you. These selfish phonies depress me. God, what I'd do for a cigarette right now.

The magic is supposed to wear off by midnight, what a rip-off. Off they go and whaddayaknow, the bigshot prince sees Cindy and falls in love with her right then and there. You gotta be kidding me. They dance and dance the walt, 'cause really, they can't jitterbug, I've seen. Cinderella doesn't notice the goddam time and all. It's midnight and blah blah blah. She runs out of the palace and almost breaks her crazy neck tripping over the steps. The prince runs out and yells, "What the hell's your goddam name?" and she's like, "Find me you sonuvabitch!" Okay, so maybe I kinda made that part up.

So the next day, the prince goes out to find his lost lover and he finally get to old Cindy's house. Her stepsisters lock her up because they're sexy like that. Just kidding. The prince comes in and looks around. Apparently Cinderella, like the moron she is, left her moron glass slipper on one of the stairs. Wait a second, wasn't the magic supposed to wear off? How come everything changed back except the shoes? See, phony.

The prince who thinks he's so damn clever has everybody try on the slipper to find his love. The first sister tries to jam her big ass foot in, and of course it doesn't fit. The second's feet are too small. And the third can't even fit her crazy toes in, what a shame really. And then the prince's henchmen hears Cindy in the dungeon and he lets her out. "Hey, you goddam prince, there's another one in here." He exactly say it this way but you get the point.

The prince recognizes her right away and they run into each other's arms. God, for chrissake, couldn't you have recognized her in the first place instead of trying on shoes with a buncha people. Man, old Princey is stupid.

In the end, Cinderella is actually becoming a princess now. But before that, she banished her stepfamily into the pits of hell...hahaha. I mean, the Satanic Deserts. Ha, you thought she'd be all nice right? Told you everyone's phony as hell. So the thing I learned from this lousy story, Cinderella is fake but crazy scary. Don't mess with her, really. I'm not kidding.

Oh would you look at the time. Gotta go to old Cindy's wedding now.


End file.
